Feeling Good

Four good days in a row! I finally emerged from my chemo funk on Wednesday. I was still sequestered to the house from being neutropenic, but at least I could enjoy some time with Zachary and go for a long walk around the neighborhood. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom, making the area look like a pink and white cotton candy wonderland. It's beautiful.

Never being really sick before, it's a new experience to feel strength return to my body. I am truly amazed by the body's (and mind's) ability to recover. I know I'm a long way to 100%, and that I will have to repeat this cycle four more times, but even these past few days of feeling well have given me the stamina to get through the next onslaught of chemo. My next cycle is scheduled to begin Friday, April 13.

Last night was the first night of Passover, the Jewish holiday that celebrates the Exodus from Egypt. Normally I would refrain from eating any leavened bread for eight days, but given that my digestive system is already on the fritz, eight days of matzoh is not a good idea. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's a commandment not to follow dietary commandments when you're sick--I think God will understand.

Whoa, hold the phone, did she just say God? Hehe, I have a strong suspicion that many of my science friends are wondering whether or not I believe in God, and if so, why.

As many of you know, I'm Jewish, and at the core of Judaism is the belief in God. However, Judaism is a tricky beast, and I personally know many Jewish friends who strongly identify with the Jewish culture but do not necessarily believe in God. So where do I fall?

I've always believed in God, but not in the "man with a white beard in the sky" sense. It's hard to explain, but I view God as the entity that intertwines all life together. It's that connection you feel with another person during friendship, love, times of excitement or sorrow. God is in the silence of an empty field covered in undisturbed snow, and God is in the hearts of two tearful parents when their newborn baby enters the world. For me, this is God.

I know that feelings of excitement, joy, compassion, love, etc can all be whittled down to the wonderfully complex circuitry of our brains. Believe me, I know, I have a PhD in it ;) And I know that feelings of connection to other people is an evolutionary by-product of being part of a species that survives as a group. My belief in God goes one step beyond these physical aspects of life. God is the miracle that these physical processes exist at all, and I've chosen to view God as the beauty that can be found in these processes.

As for scriptures, I don't interpret the Torah (the Jewish bible) in a literal manner. For me, the Torah is a book of metaphors and commandments that are meant to help find happiness and balance in life.

Over the past few months, I've been told by many friends and family that they are praying for me. Do I think that prayer works? This is something that I've thought a lot about over the past month. My answer is yes. Prayer in essence is thought--but not just any thought--it's a thought that comes from a person's very soul. It's someone's effort to bring comfort to another person. I believe that prayer works, because it has already worked for me.

Whether or not prayers result in the shrinkage of my tumors, the prayers have brought me comfort. Just knowing that someone is out there thinking about me raises my spirits and helps me get through this. On the biological end of things, being in a better frame of mind may decrease stress hormones or affect some other biochemical process. Prayers may, quite literally, help my healing.

I think Jason and I will crash our community Passover Seder tonight. We originally didn't sign up for it since we didn't know how I would feel today, but I think they will make an exception ;)